I always wanted to tell you Brother, I'm sorry
by TMNTPunker
Summary: You need to read this. It has an important message in it. If you don't read it...then you will be blinded by ignorance until you learn the hard way. Please read this. -COMPLETE-
1. Default Chapter

I always wanted to tell you Brother…I'm sorry

****

****

((This is based off of a true story. Something I'm currently going through. This may be a one-chapter deal. It may be two. But…my uncle has inspired me. I love you Uncle Mike and I'm sorry.))

            I sat there at his bedside and watched him breath…watched the machine help him breath. I felt so helpless, so useless. You never know what to do or think in situations like this. I felt so…out of touch. I thought back to all those child hood memories that we shared and miss every one of those moments. I don't think I ever cherished them enough. Especially now…Sighing, I wiped away a bead of sweat from my brow, and slowly sat back in the chair. He had been this way for most the evening. It all had happened so quickly. The loud crash from the kitchen, the frantic confusion being bounced back and forth between the three of us. It was all such a blur, and now it's all so clear, so real, and so scary. He'd had a heart attack…and we all knew why. His drinking had gotten steadily heavier over the years, and I'm sure along with the drug usage. We always tried to talk to him…**I** always tried to talk to him. But none of us could ever get through. Especially me. He's never cared for me much. Always thought I was a bother more than anything. But I loved him. He's my brother. But I never told him that. I never told him what he meant to me. I leaned forward and buried my face in my sweaty calloused hands. Why…why now? Sitting here was only making me feel worse. But I refused to leave his side. I refused to not be there for him. I felt as if I owed him that. Because I felt that I hadn't been there enough for him. Maybe if I had been there in the beginning. Maybe if we had had more in common. Maybe if we hadn't grown up so fast. It was all such a waste of precious time. Time that he seemed to be losing ownership of. I looked over at Raph and almost lost it there. My bottom lip began to quiver in the slow loss of self-control. And my eyes began to fill up with hot, salty tears of anger, of anguish, of fear. It just didn't seem right. I felt a few of those tears drop on my hand, my fingers. I never told him that I loved him. I never thanked him for all those times he saved my ass. I never…I shook my head and looked away from him, from the machine keeping him alive. Don had said we'd know in a day or two if he'd wake up or not. To see if he'd suffered any brain damage. And…if he doesn't wake up in the next couple of days…we'd have to make the decision on whether or not we should pull the plug. I couldn't think of that right now. I needed some air. I needed some time to clear my head. But I was so afraid that…I was so afraid that if I left, he'd be gone by the time I'd come back. I was afraid of being selfish in his time of need. I glanced around the room, or the mess he called his room and my eye caught something, a notebook with a pen on top. I stood up and slowly walked over to the messy and very unorganized looking desk, picking up the notebook and pen. I opened it up and flipped through some pages. Mainly it was just sketches of designs he came up with. Some of which were very good. I made my way back to the chair and sat down, turning to a fresh sheet, pen ready to write with, and found myself at a loss for words. What do you say to someone you love dearly but are too prideful to admit it? I turned and looked at him. Studied him, my brother. And then found the words I had always burned to tell him. Even now…

I always wanted to tell you brother, that I love you. I'm sorry I never did. I'm sorry I never took the time to pull you aside and tell you how much you mean to me. I'm sorry I never cherished all those moments we had together. I always wanted to tell you brother, that I thank you for every pat on the back, every hug, every smirk, every smile, every wink, every snide and obnoxious comment, and every hand up you gave me in the years we've shared together. I'm sorry I never got the chance to tell you this. I always wanted to tell you brother, that I was thankful for every time you helped me in battle, sticking back to back and fighting for each other's lives. I'm sorry I never took the time to tell you this after every battle that was fought. You will always be my brother, not matter what you've done in your life. I still love you no matter what. I'm sorry I never took the time to tell you that you're only human, and yes I know we're mutants but we have human souls, and that human's make mistakes. I always wanted to tell you Raphael, that you're the greatest brother and that you mean the world to me. I always wanted to tell you Raphael…I'm sorry. 

            I set the pen down, read over what I had just written, then set the notebook down on his bed, leaving it open to the page I had written on. Then I settled back in my chair, and watched my brother, hoping that he'd wake up, or find peace during the night. I knew I wouldn't have the heart to end it for him, at least not yet. I felt those hot, salty tears roll down my cheeks and onto my lips. I tasted the salt, the guilt, and the remorse. I tasted the sadness. And I tasted the love. Every tear that fell from my eyes, and onto those bed sheets carried a tiny piece of my heart and my hope for my brother. 

 ****

**            I don't own the Ninja Turtles. But I own every bit of feeling I've put into this. I own all the guilt and all the apologies. **


	2. I always wanted to tell you Brother, I'm...

**I always wanted to tell you Brother…I'm sorry.**

****

****

            I had stayed there with him the whole two weeks. I only left for short intervals of time. But he never came out of it. A few times Don was able to take him off the oxygen because his lungs started to function on their own, and he was showing signs of brain activity. But…he could never keep them clear. They kept filling up with fluids and such. I think that was the first sign…the second being that he wasn't able to speak and follow directions. Those were the first noticeable signs of the brain damage that had occurred, the first and…only. He passed away a few hours ago, finally. And…I never got the chance to tell him any of the thoughts I had written down. I never…a quiet sob escaped my lips, and finally I crumbled to my knees by the bed and buried my face in my hands. It wasn't right. No one should be ignored for mistakes they have made in the past. But it was too late for that. I couldn't go back now. I couldn't change the past…I couldn't torture myself with all the what if's and maybe's. But…you can never stop yourself, because they still flood your mind, consuming you. What if I had cared more than I had? What if I had tried harder! I didn't have to ignore him, didn't have to continue letting him go out **_knowing_**where he was going and what he would be doing. But I did. Time after time …I let him go and slowly kill himself. Half the things I had said to him I will never be able to forgive myself for. It just wasn't right. He was my _brother_. Why it took until now to see that, I don't know.  I reached out and held his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. 

"I'm so sorry Raphael. I'm sorry I never cared enough. I'm sorry I never told you I loved you. I…"

My voice trailed off as another wave of tears hit me full force. I was sure that my brothers could hear my quiet sobs. But I didn't care…I was mourning. 

            I sighed and slowly got to my feet, wiping away the tears that hadn't dried from my face. I looked down at my brother one more time, and then slowly drew the sheet over his face. A quiet knock from behind startled me from my thoughts.

"Leo?"

"Yes?"

"Can…can I come in?"

"Yea."

The door slowly opened and I watched as Don slipped inside along with Mike. They walked over to me; Mike went to the other side of the bed and kneeled down.  I watched him for a moment, before turning to my brother. 

"Uh…where do you want to cremate him?"

"Near the beach."

"Yea…he always did like the ocean. He used to sit there for hours at night and just…watch it."

My brother and I looked over at Mike and smiled. I was worried for him. He and Raph had always been real close. Mikey had only come into the room a couple times, only being able to stay until the tears started to fall, then he'd quickly leave and lock himself in his room for hours. It was all Don and I could do to get him to eat. I ate…but not much. Don kept himself busy in his lab. Never coming out unless it was to fix us all something to eat or check on Raphael's vital signs. But I knew Mikey was beating himself up pretty bad, worse than I have to myself. I turned and gave Don a worried glance, and he returned it, nodding slightly. 

"We can do it tomorrow night then. There won't be any one around to ask questions."

"Can we do it where he always used to go Leo?"

I looked over at my youngest brother and gave him a small re-assuring smile.

"Of course Mikey."

He gave me a small grin in return and then lowered his head back to the bed. It broke my heart to see him like this. I had been there only a few moments ago. 

"I fixed some soup Leo, why don't you come out and have a bowl…give Mike some time alone."

I nodded and followed Don to the door. Before stepping out I looked back at my brother and watched him for a moment. 

"Hey Michelangelo?"

He looked up at me with a questioning look in his eyes.

"I love you."

A tear slowly slid down my cheek as I turned and left the room, closing the door behind me. And from the closed door I could hear the quiet sobs of my brother as he lay on the bed mourning just as I had, but not only for Raphael, but for the love that we all had shared but had never taken the time to voice. He mourned for the ignorance that blinded us and kept us from not sharing the love we felt. 

Remember this: You can't wait to tell someone you love them. They could die tomorrow. You don't _have_ all the time you _think_ you do. Don't let ignorance blind you. And don't let past mistakes keep you from loving someone. We all make mistakes. And we all should be forgiven for them. Don't ignore someone because of what they have done. After they're gone you'll regret it and it will be a long time before you'll be able to forgive yourself for it. I'm speaking from personal experience. I never took the time to call and tell him I loved him. For a long time I acted as if I had only two uncles, when in fact I had three. Now…I only have two. I ignored him because of mistakes he had made in his past. I let ignorance blind me and keep from realizing that what I was doing was wrong. He loved me because I was his niece. And…I loved him because he was my uncle. I just never took the time to tell him. Now I'm learning the hard way. Don't end up where I am now. Learn from this and realize that time isn't something you can just put off. Time doesn't give a **_damn_** about your schedule or feelings. It's relentless in its motive to keep going. There are no pause buttons. Not even rewind. So stop and reflect upon this and learn. You can't wait to say, "I love you". And it's not right to ignore someone because of what they did in their past. In the end…time really does matter. 

-April Storm


	3. I always wanted to tell you Brother, I'm...

I always wanted to tell you Brother, I'm sorry 

(I'm continuing this story as the events happen. This will be a relatively short chapter, but it will be significant like the others. The last chapter of this story will not be done till I get back from New Hampshire. I'll be gone from the 14-23 of this month. The funeral will be somewhere during that time period. I'm so grateful for all your reviews and all your support. You guys have really helped me through this and I hope to continue having your support b/c I really need it right now. For those of you who I look up to for your amazing writing abilities (and you know who your are) I thank you for your amazing reviews. For those of you who are close friends of mine (you know who you are as well) I thank you for your wonderful support and care that you give to me. And for those of you who I don't know  (and…you know who you are) I hope to get to know you. You are wonderful people. So feel free to email me or IM me. Sorry that this disclaimer is so long. But I needed to get these thoughts out in the beginning b/c at the end of this chapter I will not be in the state of mind to write any of this. Thank you once again and I love you all.)

            _He sat there on the edge of the bed and watched me quietly, studying my face as I slept. At some point I woke up and looked at him, and a joy that is completely indescribable filled my heart and soul and I sat up pulling him into a suffocating embrace. He chuckled and hugged me back just as fiercely. I would have laughed but I was crying to hard to do anything else except for breathing. And even that was difficult. Finally we pulled away from each other and I took his face in both my hands and stared into his eyes for the longest time. _

_"I'm so sorry Raphael. I never meant to ignore you, and I never meant any of the shit I said to you. I'm so so sorry."_

_"Leo…Leo it's fine. Calm down alright? Chill…before ya give yerself a stroke or somethin'!"_

_I couldn't help but laugh, just as I remembered him. Always having to say something smart. _

_"You know I love you right? You know I've always loved you. No matter how much of an obnoxious asshole you could be."_

_"I know Leo…I'm sorry I never listened to you. But I'm ok now. I'm alright where I am. I finally see all the shit I did wrong and I finally understand all the things you and Mikey and Don tried to tell me. But…I want you to know I'm ok now. Splinter was there to meet me when I passed, and he led me to where I am now. I'm at peace with myself Leo, as you should be. It's ok now. You don't have to worry about me anymore. Splinter does._

_He smirked and lightly patted the side of my face, his thumb brushing away a few tears. _

_"I love you so much Raph. And I'm going to miss you too."_

_A lump caught in my throat causing me to choke on those last few words. This was the last chance I had with him. The last moment I'll share with my brother._

_"I love you too Leo and I'll miss all of you. Tell Donnie thanks for everything. And…tell Mikey…"_

_He paused for a moment, holding back emotions that I had never seen him fight with before. Then he continued with a whisper._

_"Tell Mikey that I love him and that he'll always be my little brother. Tell him that I'm sorry for not being there enough for him. Would you do that for me bro'?"_

_I nodded, swallowing back another wave of tears. _

_"Tell Splinter that I love him and miss him as well…. tell him we all do."_

_"Sure thing Leo…I promise. He loves and misses you as well. And we both want you to know we'll be watchin' over you. Well 'cept for when yer in the bathroom"_

_We both laughed, breaking some of the intense emotions swimming around us. _

_"I gotta go…hang in there Leo. Always know if ya need someone ta talk to I'm always listenin' to ya"_

_He pulled me into another tight embrace; the kind that two close brothers would only share in private. Then I was surprised to find him crying on my shoulder. At first I had no Idea what to do…but then I realized that I was doing exactly the right thing. I was loving him. And I held him and cried as well and we shared our tears together for the final time. _

            A short gasp escaped my lips as I awoke to find myself alone in my bedroom. He was gone now…that was the last time I'd ever see him. Why did it have to be like that? Why couldn't it have been while he was still alive? I should have pulled him aside those few weeks ago. What had stopped me! I curled up in a tight ball under the covers and listened to my own quiet sobs of guilt and pain. The heat rose around me as I let the hot tears roll down my cheeks and onto the pillow. I couldn't escape it. And at that moment more than anything I wanted someone to be there holding me, wiping away my tears and whispering to me that it'd all be ok, that I needed to let it out. I wanted someone to hold me till I fell asleep. But no one was there and the knowledge of this only made me cry harder. No one could hear my crying. I wanted Raphael to be alive so badly. I wanted it all to be some horrible nightmare that I would wake up from. I wanted Raph to shake me awake and tell me to knock it off and stop being such a pussy. But he wasn't going to…he never would be going to. I continued to cry until I finally exhausted myself and fell asleep. Dreams were now my new source of torture that I couldn't escape. I hoped with time they would get better. 

 I feel so lost without you here; wonder if you feel it too

So as I sit here staring at the floor are you thinking of me in some far off world.

 I need you now more than anything so where are you please come to me.

 Remember all those smiles and quiet times when it was just you and me?

I remember every move you made just wish you were here again

I need you now more than anything so where are you please come to me. 

            -Paints of Every Color

            -Words by April L.

            -Music by Dish

*I don't own the Ninja Turtles. Only my emotions.

****

****

****

****


	4. Last words

-_Disclaimer- I do not own the ninja turtles. So stuff a sock down yer throat you petty lawyers!_

I always wanted to tell you Brother, I'm sorry

So this was it. The night that my brother's and I would lay to rest one of our own. It still hadn't fully hit me that Raphael was gone forever. Well no I shouldn't say forever, because I will see him again. I shook my head slowly as we made our way along the rocky hill leading towards the shoreline. The moon light was breath taking as its reflection rippled over the waves crashing towards the beach. I now realized why Raph spent so much time here alone. It was soothing to watch, to know that there could be such beauty in a world so corrupted and misled. A heavy sigh escaped past my lips as we reached the stack of wood that would serve as our bonfire and means of cremating our brother. It was close to two in the morning now with no one around to catch us, or ask us questions. The whole scenery seemed fitting. The cool breeze of the ocean air, the calm ocean with its small waves rolling in and out, and the full moon blazing brightly above us in the midnight velvet sky. Somewhere I knew that my brother was near, watching us, loving us as he always has. 

"This is it". Donatello's voice quietly called over my shoulder.

I nodded and bent down, lowering the box holding my brother's body onto the sand. 

"Got the matches"? I looked over at Mikey expectantly.

"Uh…um…" He searched around his pouches for a few moments, and then revealed a lighter instead. 

"Heh sorry about that Leo". He gave me an awkward grin as he handed the lighter to me.

I gave him a brief smile then walked over to the pile of wood. It was time to say goodbye. I felt my remaining two brothers' come up behind me with our brother's body, and watched them as they carefully set it on top of the pile of driftwood. I cleared my throat, and glanced over at Donnie.

"Oh! Yea…umm…ok…" He scratched his bald head for a moment, then straightened up, his eyes remained lowered.

"Raphael, the only word that comes to mind when I think of you is…indestructible." He chuckled. "You always were the one to dive into the middle of a swarm of foot ninja, always the one to take on more than you should have, and always the one to make it out with hardly a bruise on you. Raphael, you were indestructible in that sense…but in another…you were destructible to yourself. All the drugs and alcohol you consumed brought forth your death sooner than it should have come. But, through all those mistakes I still love you, because you are my brother. Although we never talked much nor knew each other very well, I knew every time our eyes met that you loved me as I loved you. And you respected me as I respected you. I will miss you Raphael. Tell Master Splinter that I love and miss him deeply". 

I raised my eyes to my elder brother and felt my heart sink as I watched the tears roll down his face. We shouldn't be here doing this, we should be back at the lair watching TV and bickering jokingly back and forth between one another. I shook my head slightly, and then turned to my youngest brother. He was already crying which told me that it was going to be hard for him to speak.

"I um…I…don't want to be here doing this. We should be back at home sitting on the couch and watching TV. Raph you have always been there for me. You always had an answer to my annoying and pointless questions and you were always there to hold me when I cried over stupid things in life. We shared such an incredible bond and…" He paused swallowing back a sob rising in his throat. "I miss you _so_ much Raph. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for not being there for you. For not forcing you to talk about your problems, and your addictions. I will forever regret not telling you to quit. I love you and I miss you…and…I really…don't…" His voice faded as the sobs won over his will power, and he dropped to his knees, face buried in his hands. The heavy feeling in my chest was growing increasingly suffocating, and the frown on my face seemed to only be growing darker. It was now my turn…and I had no idea what to say. I turned and looked out at the ocean and watched the waves lazily roll in and out, disfiguring the reflection of the moon, expanding it and stretching it. Suddenly the heavy feeling seemed to be disappearing and the words and imagery started to form into coherent thoughts and sentences that I soon began to share with my brothers. I didn't really pay attention…I just…let my mind free and let my thoughts take control of my mouth and voice. 

"I remember the night that we ended up talking for hours. I remember every word you said to me, and the way your eyes looked into mine. I felt this unbreakable bond between us that I normally didn't have the pleasure of feeling. And although it was only one night…it still brought us closer together and made us understand each other a little more. I just wished we could have done that every night". I sighed deeply, looking away from the ocean and to my brother's. They looked back at me with tear filled eyes, waiting expectantly for me to continue. I turned away and faced the ocean once more. And began recalling that night that seemed only a few hours ago. 

He sat there on the couch beside me, shell leaning against the couch's arm, and kept steady eye contact with me. It was one of those rare nights when he was sober. He had just come back from the small beach he frequently went to, to sit and think about life and whatever else was on his mind.

"I want to go back and sit on the rocks and watch the ocean forever. And feel myself forever. Every time I leave, I end up losing myself and I hate that. I wish you could…I wish I could explain in such a way that the world could understand".

"You know that it doesn't have to be like that. If you just stopped using all those drugs and drinking like you do, you'd find yourself again Raph, and you wouldn't have to worry about losing it".

"It's not that easy Leon, I can't just…drop it ya know"? He sighed deeply and leaned forward, resting his chin in his upturned palm, his elbow sinking into his thigh. He sat lotus style, still facing me, eyes still burning deep into mine. 

"You know that I'm here for you whenever you need someone to talk to. I listen very well". 

"Would you mind if I just kinda...spoke my mind"? 

"No not at all, I'd love to hear what's on your mind". 

He nodded, and then cleared his throat.

"I want to be back on the beach, knee deep in ocean water, letting the waves crash into me and watching them roll back out only to come back in…and gaze out into the endless horizon of gray blue. I want to feel pure and refreshing like the ocean does. But why is it that I lose myself once I come back here? Mmm…because I'm afraid of showing it. This is probably just tasteless babblings to you, but it paints a picture and a memory for me. And that's all that matters. 

"Why clam up"? I frowned, the emotions I saw swirling inside those dark gray eyes of his were almost overwhelming. I had never seen this side of Raphael. 

"Why breath? I don't have an answer to that, just more diluted questions. This is me. This is me when I'm alone…thinking…these are thoughts inside my head…the images. The beauty, the hurt, pain, numbness, darkness, loneliness and the love. All of it will be locked up soon, pushed into the back of my mind. I don't intentionally do this, it just sorta happens like that".

I reached over and grasped his hand, and gave it a squeeze. I couldn't muster up the courage to tell him that I loved him, but he knew. We both did. 

I gasped in surprise at the sudden realization of that. He knew all along the love I had for him. It didn't have to be said; it was just something we both knew whenever we looked into one another's eyes, whenever we exchanged a smile, or small joke, a pat on the back or a hug. My hand found it's way to my cheek, wiping the tears that were falling from my eyes. Behind me I could hear the quiet sobs of my brothers'. I took a couple of deep breaths, then turned around and walked over to the pile of driftwood and my brother's body. I made a silent prayer to the gods above, then bent down and held the small flame of the lighter against the gasoline soaked wood. In moments the bonfire was lit, and the smell of burning wood and flesh invaded our nostrils. I walked over and took a seat between my brothers and watched the fire crackle and engulf the box he was in. Sparks flew upwards towards the star-strewn sky, and blew across the beach when the ocean breeze picked up. There comes a point that you reach in life where thing's have to change whether you want them to or not. It was going to be hard the next couple of years that were ahead, but I knew that we would all pull through together. I love you Raphael, may you find peace with yourself and may Master Splinter guide you in the after-life. There will come a time that we will be joined together again, and share old memories together. But until then, continue to watch us from wherever you may be, and protect us from the unseen evils of the world. I love you Raphael and I thank you for loving me and being my brother. I always wanted to tell you brother…Thanks. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  - - 

Hey all, I just wanted to thank you for all the support and wonderful reviews you've given me. It makes me so indescribably happy to hear that I've changed your life in some way. That I have inspired you to go and tell someone that you love them. I hope that I continue to help people with realizing there is no time to waste when telling someone how they feel. It's a dream of mine to inspire people. But…yea…I'm just rambling now. I love you all, may there be peace and plenty of turtle power in your lives. Ja ne

-_April Storm_


End file.
